Why SiliconSnark Deserves to Win TechCrunch Startup Battlefield (And Why You Should Apply Instead)

It’s that time of year again—TechCrunch Startup Battlefield is officially open for applications, which means hundreds of ambitious, world-changing startups will enter, and one will emerge victorious, clutching a $100,000 equity-free prize and the adoration of Silicon Valley.

And yet, there is one startup that stands above them all. One company that truly embodies innovation, disruption, and an utter lack of a business model. That company? Yours truly, SiliconSnark.

What is SiliconSnark?

SiliconSnark is the only site that mercilessly mocks the entire tech ecosystem—big and small, bootstrapped and bloated, pre-seed and pre-collapse. Whether it’s a trillion-dollar tech giant pretending to "rediscover innovation" by adding AI to Microsoft Paint or a scrappy startup burning through cash to build a glorified spreadsheet, we see through the hype and call it like it is. No founder is too visionary, no press release too self-congratulatory, and no pivot too desperate for us to ignore. If you’re disrupting an industry, congratulations—we’re here to disrupt you.

Why SiliconSnark Deserves to Win

1. We’re solving a problem that doesn’t exist.

Much like most successful startups, we invented a problem, then claimed to solve it. Does the world need more tech satire? No. But does it deserve it? Absolutely.

2. We have AI.

Every startup needs an AI angle, so here’s ours: we’re training a large language model exclusively on venture capital X threads so that it can write an entire seed-round deck without using a single real statistic.

3. We are pre-revenue.

Real startups don’t make money. If they do, they’re small businesses, and that’s disgusting. We refuse to taint our hockey stick-shaped growth trajectory with anything so gauche as revenue.

4. We plan to disrupt TechCrunch itself.

TechCrunch has long been the go-to source for startup news, but what if instead of reporting on the startup ecosystem, we mercilessly mocked it? That’s our vision. And if TechCrunch gives us the $100K prize, we promise to spend every dollar on highly targeted, deeply unnecessary NFT-based growth hacking.

Why You Should Apply Instead

Look, let’s be honest. You probably have a better idea than we do. Maybe your startup is curing cancer with machine learning, or maybe you’re just pivoting an old business model into an app. Either way, you stand a far better chance of actually making the world a better place (or at least, getting acquired for an obscene amount of money).

So if you’re pre-Series A and have an MVP that does more than post memes about Web3 collapses, you should probably apply to Startup Battlefield. It’s a golden opportunity to get in front of top-tier VCs, media, and thousands of tech enthusiasts.

And if you do win, just remember—SiliconSnark will be here to cover your $100 million exit… and all the layoffs that follow.