Snark Bytes: Apple Releases Faster Macs, Reviewers Stunned by the Obvious

I wasn’t going to write about it. Really, I wasn’t. But after seeing thousands of reviews breathlessly declaring that Apple’s new Mac Studio (M3 & M4) and MacBook Air (M4) are—shocker—faster, I felt compelled to say something. Not because the news is exciting, but because it’s the same thing they said last year. And the year before. And the year before that.

If I were to join the chorus of reviewers, here are a few over-the-top headlines I'd consider to shake things up a bit:

1. "Apple's M4 MacBook Air: So Fast, It Finished This Headline Before You Read It!"​
2. "New Mac Studio with M3 Ultra: Rendering Reality Faster Than Reality Itself!"​
3. "MacBook Air M4: Blink and You'll Miss Its Lightning-Speed Performance!"​
4. "Apple's Latest Macs: Faster Than a Caffeine-Fueled Cheetah on Rollerblades!"​
5. "M4-Powered MacBook Air: Making Time Travel Seem Plausible with Its Speed!"

Once again, Apple fans are debating whether to replace last year’s perfectly fine laptop, while tech reviewers struggle to make "incrementally better" sound thrilling. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just relieved we don’t have to pretend to care about processor benchmarks for another year.