Snark Bytes: AirPods Max, Now With Actual Audio Features

In a stunning pivot from charging $549 for fashion-forward earmuffs, Apple has announced that the AirPods Max are finally getting actual audio features next month. Yes, lossless audio and ultra-low latency are coming via software update. Just plug them in with a USB-C cable and voila, they transform from luxury ear warmers into something vaguely resembling professional gear.

According to Apple, this makes AirPods Max the only headphones on Earth that allow musicians to “create and mix in Personalized Spatial Audio with head tracking.” A dream come true for every Logic Pro user who has always yearned to bob their head while tweaking reverb levels in a surround sound dome of pure ego. Because nothing says “serious audio production” like mixing your EP while pretending to be inside a Dolby-approved snow globe.

Gamers and livestreamers aren’t left out, either. Ultra-low latency promises immersive experiences “on par” with built-in speakers. So yes, you can now experience the joy of lag-free Fortnite callouts in spatial audio while wearing headphones that weigh more than your mouse.

And don’t forget the $39 USB-C to 3.5mm cable, perfect for when you want to plug your luxury headgear into an airplane seat and contemplate your life choices.