Mercury Banks $300M to Disrupt Banking, Again, Still, Forever

Fintech startup Mercury just raised a cool $300 million, doubling its valuation to $3.5 billion. The Wall Street Journal triumphantly declared this an “exclusive” story, presumably based on the sacred journalistic practice of hitting “publish” a few hours before Mercury’s PR team did. The Mercury press release might as well have come with a footnote: “See WSJ if you like your news with slightly more gravitas and fewer buzzwords.”

The round was led by Sequoia Capital, with participation from Spark Capital, Coatue, CRV, Andreessen Horowitz, and the entire cast of Shark Tank, probably. The $300M haul includes both primary and secondary funding, which means some early folks cashed out — and we’ll all pretend we don’t care while quietly checking if any of them are hiring.

CEO Immad Akhund proclaimed, “Banking should do more than safely hold money.” Bold vision. Especially from a company whose core value proposition is… a bank account. But make it vibey.

Naturally, the company plans to “explore acquisitions,” which is startup-speak for “time to buy the scrappy competitor we made fun of two years ago.”

Anyway, congrats to Mercury on the massive raise, the new board, and for unlocking the holy trinity of modern startup success: profitability, hype, and massive, massive funding rounds.