Holiday Gift Guide: Trade War Edition (Satire)

I don't need to wait for the holiday shopping season to predict what it’ll look like. After witnessing the past few days of the global trade war—complete with tariff escalations, diplomatic subtweeting, and one ambassador being replaced by a customer service chatbot—it’s clear prices are headed straight into the stratosphere.

So why delay? Here’s your exclusive early look at what holiday tech shopping will cost this year, assuming you’re not smuggling goods inside taxidermied alpacas (which, for legal reasons, we cannot officially recommend).

Apple AirPods Max – $12,499

Yes, that’s the price before tax and includes a bonus note from Tim Cook personally thanking you for "doing your part to stimulate the economy." The new Max Max Max model features a graphene casing, neural-integrated noise cancellation, and comes with a tiny American flag to wave when the Customs drone lands on your lawn.

Samsung Galaxy Fold – $22,780

Imported directly from South Korea via diplomatic suitcase (now the only legal method), the Galaxy Fold includes complimentary stress counseling for buyers who realize they paid the price of a used Toyota Corolla for a phone that still creases.

Sony PlayStation 5 – $18,000 (Base Model)

Available only through underground auctions held in repurposed RadioShacks, the PS5 is now so rare that it’s legally considered a precious metal. Every unit comes with a notarized certificate confirming you "won the bidding war" against three hedge fund managers and a loose-knit crypto DAO.

Meta Quest 3 VR Headset – $9,999

This price includes not just the hardware, but the necessary license to think about virtual reality in your region. Thanks to international sanctions on mixed-reality imports, Meta now uses pigeons to deliver software updates.

Amazon Echo Dot – $3,450

To be clear, this is the child version with the animal face and bedtime stories. The adult version (with sarcastic responses and the ability to scream back when you yell at it) goes for $5,999. Alexa no longer tells jokes, but she does read you the WTO tariff codes in a soothing voice.

Anker 20,000mAh Portable Charger – $6,666

It used to cost $29.99, but after a shipment got stuck in the Suez Canal again (this time due to a spontaneous tugboat union formed by ChatGPT-powered buoys), portable power banks are now treated as Class 3 luxury goods.

Tesla CyberToaster™ – $4,299

A surprise hit, this toaster is shaped like the Cybertruck and features "auto-pilot bagel mode." Elon personally tweeted, “If your toast costs less than a used MacBook, are you even living?”

Nintendo Switch 2 – $13,700

Japan tried to negotiate a trade carve-out for joy, but the UN declared joy a restricted substance in Q4. Each Switch is now sold with a physical game cartridge and a copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War, annotated by Wario.

Google Pixel Watch – $10,499

It tells time, tracks your sleep, and shames you for not knowing where Moldova is on a map. Price includes three weeks of server-side lag due to DNS rerouting through neutral shipping zones.

Final Thoughts

Holiday shopping used to be stressful because of crowds. Now it’s stressful because you have to apply for a small business loan to buy a USB-C charging cable ($799, thank you).

Economists predict inflation will stabilize once we return to a barter-based system where TikTok likes are traded for lithium. Until then, happy shopping, and don’t forget: if you see a GPU in the wild, protect it with your life.