Generative AI? More Like Generative ATM for IBM
If you want a company that makes money like a termite colony builds nests—slowly, methodically, and impossible to eradicate—then IBM’s your guy.
Folks, gather ‘round. For the first time in my snarky tech-writing life, I get to do the unthinkable: write about earnings. And not just any earnings—IBM earnings. That’s right, today we venture into the lukewarm pool of tech financial reporting, armed only with sarcasm and a spreadsheet full of quarter-over-quarter joy.
If Silicon Valley is a reality show full of shirtless billionaires and overpriced AI demos, IBM is your wealthy uncle who wears loafers to the beach and uses “the email” like it’s a fax machine. He doesn’t crash Teslas or invent new coins on the blockchain. He just quietly hoards cash and drops $7.1 billion on companies like HashiCorp while everyone else is still arguing on Slack.
So let’s jazz up this beige wallpaper of a press release, shall we?
💵 The Big News
IBM made $14.5 billion in revenue in Q1, which is technically up 1% but spiritually unchanged since the Eisenhower administration.
Gross profit margin hit 55.2% because apparently, the only thing stronger than love is IBM's ability to squeeze value out of licensing agreements and transaction processing software that hasn’t been updated since the Bush presidency (pick one, any one).
Free cash flow was $2.0 billion, which they describe as "solid"—a word usually reserved for bowel movements and IBM's financials.
💾 Software: The Nerd That Pays the Bills
IBM’s Software division grew 7% and is now dragging the rest of the company behind it like a Roomba with a dead squirrel tangled in its wheels. Key segments like Hybrid Cloud (Red Hat) and Automation were up double digits, proving once again that if you slap "hybrid" or "AI" on an old product, Wall Street swoons like it’s prom night.
Their “generative AI book of business” (real phrase) hit $6 billion to date. What’s in that book? Nobody knows. Possibly the same GPT-3 wrapper every other enterprise is selling, but with way more onboarding PDFs.
🤝 Consulting: Mildly Employed
Consulting revenue was down 2%, or as IBM would put it: "flat at constant currency." Fun fact: "flat at constant currency" is also how I describe my social life.
🧱 Infrastructure: Slowly Sinking Into the Swamp
Infrastructure revenue dropped 6%, and the IBM Z mainframe lineup is down 15%, because, well, nobody under 50 knows what a mainframe is, and those who do are either retiring or being lovingly replaced by Kubernetes.
🏦 Cash, Glorious Cash
IBM ended the quarter with $17.6 billion in cash and marketable securities, because it turns out being boring is lucrative. Meanwhile, their debt is at $63.3 billion, which is also how much I feel I owe emotionally for reading this entire earnings release.
🧠 AI, of Course
Don’t worry, they mentioned "generative AI" so many times I half expected ChatGPT to file a restraining order. Their generative AI strategy is like a mid-life crisis: it's happening, it's expensive, and it involves a lot of software subscriptions nobody fully understands.
🎤 Final Thoughts
If you want fireworks, drama, and existential crises, go watch a tech company announce layoffs and a new product in the same tweet. If you want a company that makes money like a termite colony builds nests—slowly, methodically, and impossible to eradicate—then IBM’s your guy.
Congratulations, Big Blue. You’re the human equivalent of a bond fund: boring, reliable, and somehow still outperforming your flashier, younger cousins who are too busy posting LLM selfies to turn a profit.
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