Clippy Evolved: Microsoft’s Copilot Now Watches, Listens, and Judges

Remember that time Bill Gates said he wanted a PC on every desk? Microsoft just took that fever dream, ran it through ChatGPT, sprinkled in the phrase “your AI companion” 37 times, and gave us the modern corporate equivalent of a Tamagotchi that reads your emails and books dinner reservations.

On this glorious Friday, Microsoft introduced Copilot: the AI that's deeply obsessed with you. It remembers your dog’s name, your nephew’s birthday, your emotional baggage, your doomed workout goals, and presumably your browser history. But don’t worry! You’re totally in control. Just like you’re in control of your TikTok algorithm or that terms-of-service agreement you definitely read.

It’s Not Surveillance. It’s Personalization™

Microsoft insists this isn’t some overreaching corporate panopticon. This is “Memory”—the feature that makes your Copilot remember “what you talk about.” Aka: the digital version of a friend who never forgets anything you say, never stops listening, and sometimes buys you flowers. Is it touching or terrifying? Why not both!

So What Can It Do?

• Vision: Now Copilot can see through your phone’s camera. Show it your sad houseplants, your cluttered desk, or your outfit, and it’ll offer you real-time suggestions like, “Buy a standing desk,” or “Maybe try watering this once in a while.”
• Actions: Copilot books trips, sends gifts, and makes dinner reservations. So you can finally outsource the emotional labor of pretending to care about people.
• Podcasts: That’s right, now your AI can talk to you about your own interests. Why listen to humans when you can get a personalized podcast about you? It’s like a TED Talk, but for narcissists.
• Pages: A canvas that organizes your scattered ideas. Basically, Copilot is now your therapist, executive assistant, and unpaid intern, all rolled into one browser window.

You Are the Pilot. We Just Installed a Co-Pilot That Reads Your Mind.

Microsoft keeps repeating this mantra: “You are the pilot.” Cute. But let’s be honest—this is less Top Gun and more Clippy with a PhD and boundary issues. Sure, you can “set the boundaries,” but only after Copilot knows your blood type, sleep schedule, and love language.

“Copilot is more than an AI, it’s yours,” says Mustafa Suleyman, CEO of Microsoft AI. And nothing says yours like a cloud-based machine learning model trained on terabytes of anonymized data, ready to monetize your personality quirks in exchange for a smoother Outlook calendar.

The Future is Personal

We’re now entering the era of bespoke AI, where your digital assistant can have a custom appearance, because nothing says productivity like dressing up your Copilot as a golden retriever in a bowtie.

Don’t like the feature? You can opt out! Just navigate the 14-layer dashboard interface, accept 7 modal popups, disable memory under “Privacy,” click “Confirm,” and restart your PC three times. Easy!