Beats Cables Arrive: Finally, the Courage to Reinvent the Wire

In a move so bold it nearly went unnoticed (because they literally tried to hide it in a downloadable PDF), Beats has unveiled its most revolutionary product since... well, the last time they changed a color: charging cables. Yes, you read that right. Not earbuds. Not speakers. Cables. Reinforced ones. In colors. Hold on to your USB ports, folks—we're entering a new era of innovation.

After decades of charging cables being, you know, fine, Beats has bravely stepped in to say, “What if they were more colorful and slightly less tangly?” The result is Beats Cables™, now available in such electrifying hues as Bolt Black (black), Surge Stone (gray), Nitro Navy (blue-ish), and Rapid Red (red—but fast). All for the low, low price of $18.99 for one or $34.99 for two. That’s almost $35 to finally free yourself from the tyranny of cables that function identically but don’t say “Beats” on them.

Beats even brought back their iconic “Pill People” to sell it all—because nothing screams charging-cable hype like anthropomorphic audio equipment voiced by comedians. You know it’s real innovation when you need three separate comedians to explain the product.

Let’s Talk Specs (Because Why Not):

• USB-C to USB-C: Charges things. Syncs things. Does CarPlay. Streams audio that sounds exactly the same as it did yesterday.
• USB-A to USB-C: Still a thing, apparently.
• USB-C to Lightning: For when your iPhone still lives in 2012.

Each cable promises “thousands of hours of testing” to make sure it doesn’t fray while sitting in your drawer. And yes, they proudly note that the 20cm cable is actually 7.87 inches—because precision matters when you’re talking about wire.

Oh, and in true Apple-adjacent fashion, power adapters not included. Naturally. Because a cable without a power source is just vibes.

Eco-Conscious Packaging, Because Of Course

In between crafting cables from the future, Beats also tackled climate change. The packaging is made from 100% plant-based materials sourced from forests that probably listen to jazz. So now, when your overpriced cord inevitably gets eaten by your office chair, at least you can feel marginally less bad about the box it came in.

This press release marks a new chapter in tech history. Not because Beats did something groundbreaking, but because they made a PDF about wires and tried to pretend it was a moon landing. We salute you, Beats. May your cords remain un-frayed and your ambition eternally tangle-free.