Apple Watch Declares National Guilt Day, Calls It “Close Your Rings Day”

On April 24, Apple invites you — no, encourages you — to "do something you love" so you can close all three of your Activity rings and earn the exclusive, once-in-a-year, extremely digital Global Close Your Rings Day award. That’s right, folks: push your body to the brink so your smartwatch can give you... a virtual sticker pack and an animated badge. Be still, our accelerating heart rates.

For the overachievers, there’s even an actual pin available in stores — perfect for the drawer you use to store other life achievements, like your sixth-grade spelling bee ribbon and your expired gym key card.

This annual Ring Closerpalooza is Apple’s way of celebrating the 10-year anniversary of the Activity rings — those three relentless neon halos of guilt that remind you you’ve been sitting for 57 minutes and should probably get up unless you’re into blood clots.

“Apple Watch has changed the way people think about, monitor, and engage with their fitness and health,” said Apple COO Jeff Williams, while likely standing. “People write to us almost every day sharing how Apple Watch changed their life,” he added, not specifying whether those people were bots.

But wait — there’s data now! According to the Apple Heart and Movement Study (which, in classic Apple fashion, involves collaborating with Harvard, because of course), people who close their rings more often have better sleep, lower heart rates, and report less stress. Apparently, completing circles on your wrist is the key to health. Who knew?

And while this all sounds inspiring, it does raise a few questions. Like:

• If you close your rings in the forest but forget to post #CloseYourRings on Instagram, did it even happen?
• Is this about health or is it just a cleverly disguised notification loop so you never, ever, ever forget you're wearing a $400 wrist coach?

Still, Apple insists this isn’t just a gamified wellness trap. It’s science! Machine learning! Diversity! Encryption! The rings are customizable! (But you’ll still feel bad if you don’t stand up during your kid’s school recital because the watch tapped you mid-performance.)

So on April 24, get out there. Run, dance, hike, or do a single push-up on a yoga mat — just enough to earn that sticker. Because what is health, really, if not a bright animated badge and a fleeting dopamine hit?

Happy Global Close Your Rings Day, everyone. May your wrist never stop buzzing.