Apple Rolls Out New Arcade Games. The World Rolls Its Eyes.

Look, I’ve been an Apple fan since before it was cool. I had an iPod before the U2 edition, I stood in line for the iPhone 4, and I’ve convinced at least five people that iPads are totally necessary for productivity (they aren’t, but we all just accept that now). So it hurts me to say this, but Apple Arcade continues to be the company’s most disappointing product, like that one cousin who keeps getting business loans from Grandma and somehow never makes a profit.

And today’s announcement? Six new games! Wow, six! That brings Apple Arcade’s collection to "over 200 games," which sounds impressive until you realize it includes a staggering number of “beloved” mobile classics that were already free with ads before Apple repackaged them as “exclusive” just to justify a subscription.

The lineup is a mix of nostalgia bait, mobile ports, and one Sesame Street game for all the toddlers subscribing to Apple Arcade. Let’s break it down:

• Katamari Damacy Rolling LIVE – Finally, a new Katamari game! The twist? It’s exclusive to Apple Arcade, so nobody is going to play it.
• Space Invaders Infinity Gene Evolve – A new Space Invaders title, because what the world really needed was another modern take on a 46-year-old game.
• puffies. – It’s a sticker puzzle game, which is either the most low-effort concept ever or a genius way to monetize nostalgia for Lisa Frank stickers.
• RollerCoaster Tycoon Classic+ – A repackaged version of the original RollerCoaster Tycoon that you could have played on your PC twenty years ago, now available on your iPhone if you’re feeling extra self-destructive.
• The Game of Life 2+ – The sequel to the classic board game that nobody asked for, featuring "a thousand lives to live"—which is exactly what you’ll need to go through to justify Apple Arcade’s monthly fee.
• Sesame Street Mecha Builders+ – If you have a preschooler who somehow has their own Apple ID, congrats, Apple has made exactly one game for them.

To make things worse, Apple Arcade is still missing major console-quality experiences. No one is subscribing to this for a Space Invaders reskin. Meanwhile, Xbox Game Pass and PlayStation Plus are handing out AAA titles like Oprah used to hand out cars.

I get it, Apple. You want Arcade to be a thing. But maybe it’s time to roll this into Apple One and admit that nobody is paying for this separately. Now excuse me while I go play an actual game on my PlayStation.