10 Things I Hope My New Roomba Will Do
I’m sure my Roomba will be spectacular at inhaling my existential dust bunnies, but here are 10 things I hope it does.
10 Things I Hope My New Roomba Will Do
iRobot has unleashed its latest fleet of high-tech, AI-powered, debris-demolishing Roombas, and I, for one, am bracing for impact. The press release promises a “premium design,” “perfect edge technology,” and a “customer-first product naming hierarchy” (which is truly the innovation we’ve all been waiting for). But while I’m sure my Roomba will be spectacular at inhaling my existential dust bunnies, here are 10 things I hope it does:
- Hunt Down That One Missing Sock
I know it’s here somewhere. It went into the wash. It never came out. If my Roomba can navigate with “ClearView™ Lidar,” it should be able to track down my sock’s last known location like a tiny, tireless bloodhound.
- Evict the Spiders That Have Taken Over My Ceiling Corners
iRobot boasts “PrecisionVision™ AI Technology.” Let’s put it to good use. If my Roomba can detect a carpet and avoid it, surely it can identify a hairy-legged invader and eliminate it with extreme prejudice.
- Have a Heart-to-Heart with My Cat About Personal Space
My cat has one rule: if it moves, he must sit on it. I fully expect my Roomba to give a TED Talk on boundaries as it tries to free itself from his relentless domination.
- Dispose of Unwanted Junk Mail on Sight
The press release says the new Roombas feature a “DustCompactor™ innovation” that can “pack away debris for months.” Great. I hope that means it immediately shreds and compacts all of my unsolicited “pre-approved” credit card offers into a cube of despair.
- Remember My Floor Plan Better Than I Do
The new models promise “fast mapping.” Cool. Because I still stub my toe on my coffee table like it’s a surprise boss fight every morning.
- Quietly Judge Me for Dropping Popcorn on the Floor
I know. I’m disgusting. But if my Roomba is truly AI-powered, I want it to stop dead in its tracks, let out a long sigh, and mumble, “Really?” before begrudgingly sucking up my failures.
- Order Its Own Replacement Parts So I Don’t Have To
The AutoWash™ Dock will “automatically empty debris, wash and heat-dry mop pads, and self-clean.” That’s all well and good, but let’s take this one step further: if it breaks, it should just Amazon Prime itself a new part and bill my credit card in silence.
- Explain Why There’s Always More Dust No Matter How Much I Vacuum
Seriously, where does it come from? My Roomba should provide a TEDx talk on the ever-replenishing nature of household dust, because at this point, I have my own self-replicating microclimate.
- Negotiate with My Landlord for a Rent Decrease
If it’s smart enough to detect objects and avoid them, it should also be able to detect an unfair lease agreement and fight it. I’d like my Roomba to present a PowerPoint titled “Why My Apartment is Worth at Least 20% Less Than What I Pay.”
- Stage an Intervention When My Life Falls Apart
The Roomba’s “modern colors and materials” may blend seamlessly with my home, but I need it to also blend seamlessly into my emotional support system. If I’m eating ice cream straight from the tub at 2 AM, I want my Roomba to pause mid-cycle, play Sarah McLachlan’s Angel, and whisper, “Let’s talk.”
Until iRobot upgrades the software to support these essential features, I guess I’ll have to settle for just “increased suction” and “object sensing.” But when the Roomba Plus 505 Combo AI Life Coach & Therapist drops, you best believe I’m pre-ordering.
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